The Case of Kool Aid - Note from author

CK: Just so you know, I did plan on making weekly updates, but I have been swamped with school work. expect an update soon.

The Case of Kool Aid - Eric Cartman Testimony

Ernie Keebler: The defense would like to call Eric Cartman to the stand.
(Eric takes the stand and gets sworn in)
Ernie Keebler: Eric, you dont enjoy Peter Griffin, do you?
Cartman: What do you think, dumbass?
Ernie Keebler: Please answer with a yes or no.
Cartman: No
Ernie Keebler: Why not?
Cartman: Cause they are gay and poor, that's why.
Ernie Keebler: But I thought they would be something you loved.
Cartman: GODDAMMIT! I HATE FAMILY GUY!
Captain Planet: Objection, your honor. Is there a point to this line of questioning?
Ernie Keebler: I'm getting to it.
Aquaman: You better get to it soon. My fish are getting impatient and they are hungry.
Ernie Keebler: You have tried to get Family Guy in trouble before, havent you?
Cartman: Cause I hate those guys!
Ernie Keebler: Didnt you plan on trying to get Kool Aid to break through the wall of the courtroom that day and you would make sure that Peter Griffin would be framed for it?
Cartman: No.
Ernie Keebler: When Kool Aid said no, did you dress up as Kool Aid and break through the wall yourself?
Cartman: You god damn hippie! I didnt do it!
Ernie Keebler: Have you ever dressed up like Kool Aid before?
Cartman: I dont know.
Ernie Keebler: Your honor, at this time I would like to present evidence labeled as Defense 3
Aquaman: Proceed.
Ernie Keebler: Eric, who is the person in this picture:
Cartman: me.
Ernie Keebler: And why were you dressed like that?
Captain Planet: Objection, irrelevant.
Aquaman: Sustained.
Ernie Keebler: Well, it is hard to deny the resemblance between you and my client though, isnt it? No further questions for this witness.
Captain Planet: Let me ask you this, Eric. Have you ever talked to Kool Aid before?
Cartman: no.
Captain Planet: Have you ever seen Kool Aid before today?
Cartman: Once, at Mr. Jefferson's. He was a guest of honor.
Captain Planet: And what did you do that day?
Cartman: We played on a train, climbed into a tree house, things like that.
Captain Planet: So you have nothing against Kool Aid, do you?
Cartman: No
Captain Planet: Were you, in any way, responsible for the breaking of the courtroom wall that day?
Cartman: fuck no. I was in South Park, on the other side of the world. How the hell would I get to Quahog? Last time I travelled, I took my tricycle from South Park to LA and nearly died on the way. I'm not doing that again.
Captain Planet: No further questions.
Ernie Keebler: Redirect, your honor.
Aquaman: Go ahead.
Ernie Keebler: You have travelled by other means before, havent you?
Cartman: yeah, that Shitty Walk airlines, but it took all my money to get that. Plus, Clydefrog is afraid of flying.
Ernie Keebler: Would your mother let you travel to Quahog if you wanted?
Cartman: She is never home, so she wouldnt even know.
Ernie Keebler: I'm finished with this witness, your honor.

The Case of Kool Aid - Peter Griffin Testimony

Captain Planet: Please state your name for the court.

Peter Griffin: Peter Griffin

Captain Planet: And have you seen the defendant, Mr. Kool Aid, before?

Peter Griffin: Yes, the day he broke through the wall of the courtroom

Captain Planet: Are you sure you saw him and not someone else?

Peter Griffin: Of course I'm sure. Just like that time I was sure Brian tasted like chicken....

(thanks to http://nadshot.com/2007/11/01/peter-vs-brian/)

Captain Planet: right.... o.k. so, after Kool Aid broke through the wall, what did he do?

Peter Griffin: Well, he tried to just walk away as if nothing happened.

Captain Planet: At this time, I would like to introduce a video clip from the courtroom, marked as State's evidence 1

Aquaman: Proceed

Captain Planet: Nothing further.

Aquaman: Mr. Keebler.

Ernie Keebler: Mr. Griffin, you dont like mascots, do you?

Peter Griffin: Who, me? heeheeheeheeheehee

Ernie Keebler: In fact, you have an on going feud with a mascot chicken, dont you?

Peter Griffin: He gave me a bad coupon. No one gives me a bad coupon!

Ernie Keebler: So it is fair to say that you have a hatred for mascots, isnt it?

Peter Griffin: Just the chicken. I just want to choke that chicken!

(off in the distance, you hear a faint "giggity")

Ernie Keebler: Mr. Griffin, have you ever been associated with any police department?

Peter Griffin: Well, I was a sheriff once, and a member of the police in Quahog in a time of crisis. OH! And I was a member of the A-Team!

Ernie Keebler: Be that as it may, you intentionally set up Mr. Kool Aid to break through the wall, didnt you?

Peter Griffin: what?!

Ernie Keebler: Wasnt it YOUR court case that drew everyone top the courthouse that day? and wasnt it YOUR family that started the "oh no" chant that every one knows summons Mr. Kool Aid?

Peter Griffin: well, maybe. But it wasnt my intention.

Ernie Keebler: And isnt it true that you were acting as an agent of the state that day? Werent you trying to get Mr. Kool Aid back in jail after just being released?

Captain Planet: Objection!

Ernie Keebler: Withdrawn.

(Ernie begins to walk back to the defense table)

Ernie Keebler: oh, one last question, Mr. Griffin. The previous mascot you had a problem with, the chicken. What was the last thing you remember doing to him?

Peter Griffin: I think it was letrting him get hit by the blades of an airplane.

Ernie Keebler: Thank you.

Captain Planet: Redirect your honor

Aquaman: Keep it short.

Captain Planet: After the day when you received bad coupons, had you ever went looking for the chicken?

Peter Griffin: no.

Captain Planet: So how did the incident start?

Peter Griffin: The chicken was on some kind of vendetta. Like Stewie after that time I breast fed him.

(off in the distance, you hear another faint "giggity")

Captain Planet: So after the first encounter, you harbored no ill-feelings towards the chicken and never went out of your way to harass him, did you?

Peter Griffin: no.

Captain Planet: Nothing further.

The Case of Kool Aid - Opening Statements

Judge Aquaman: This courtroom will come to order. I am Judge Aquaman and I will be presiding over this case.
*whispers to a fish bowl with goldfish in it*
Aquaman: oh yeah, and these are the judge's fish council. They just wanted to be introduced, but they should not concern you. This trial is based on the accused, Mr. Kool Aid, is being charged with criminal mischief in the first degree as a result of breaking and entering, and property damage of over $1500. The prosecution may begin with opening statements.
Prosecutor Captain Planet: Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have spent my life dedicated to cleaning up this world. I get summoned by 5 queers whenever they cant handle it and I defeat the bad guys. You all have probably heard the song, (sings) "Captain Planet, he's our hero. Gonna take pollution down to zero..." (stops singing) yada yada. And now, I clean up this great state of Connecticut in a different way. Through laws. And when I see someone like Defendant Kool Aid who is a repeat offender of property damage, I cant help but think, 'how can I stop this'. That is where you come in. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kool Aid broke through the wall of a courthouse in front of a room full of witnesses in a recorded courtroom. and what did he do afterwards? He tried to walk away as if nothing happened. Now Mr. Kool Aid will try and blame others for his actions, but do not let him sway you. After you view the vidence, make Mr. Kool Aid resposible for his actions.
(Captain Planet sits down)
Aquaman: The defense may now give its opening statement.
Papa Smurf: If it please the smurf. Ladies and gentlemen of the smurf, what we have here is a clear case of smurf. In the smurf in question, Mr. Kool Aid was smurfed into breaking through the smurf in front of a room full of smurfs. The smurfs in this smurf set up a smurf intentionally designed to smurf Mr. Kool Aid. The defense will prove, beyond a smurf of a doubt that Mr. Kool Aid was smurfed into the situation, and thus not guilty.
Aquaman: Okay, what the fuck was that? All you did was say smurf over and over again and people have no idea what you said. Mr. Kool Aid, are you sure that you really want this man as your atorney?
Kool Aid: OH YEEAAAAHHHH!
Aquaman: Okay, there is something wrong with you. Papa Smurf, at this point, I think you should turn this case over to your second chair since no one understands what the fuck you are saying!
Papa Smurf: Very smurf. The second smurf on this case is...
Pikachu: Pika pika, pika chuuuu.
Aquaman: You gotta be shiting me. Okay, the court is now appointing council.
*Bailiff Iceman walks outside for a couple minutes and comes back with a new council*
Aquaman: Okay Mr. Kool Aid, I have been told there there is a new court appointed attorney for you.
*New attorney walks into the room and to the defense table. They discuss things for a minute*
Aquaman: Is the defense ready to restate the opening argument?
Captain Planet: Objection. The defense should not be allowed two opening statements.
(Aquaman talks to the fishbowl)
Aquaman: Objection noted, but overruled. The defense may proceed.
Ernie Keebler: Thank you, your honor. As my esteemed collegue was trying to explain earlier, Mr. Kool Aid did not commit breaking and entering, he was provoked into it. In fact, it is our claim that the police in fact entraped him into the situation. Mr. Kool Aid has done this before, and since the police knew his propensities, they set up a situation where he would be lured. I ask that you listen to the facts of the case and keep one thing in mind through the case...
*walks to the defense table and comes back holding...*
Ernie Keebler: Doesnt this look delicious? This is what we stand for. We will prove Mr. Kool Aid's entrapment, as well as our combined deliciousness. Thank you.
Aquaman: *sigh* The prosecution may begin with its case.

The Trial of Professor X - The Truth

CK: So now, the truth of the situation after a week's delay (and thanks to those who voted. Hopefully there will be more as more stories are published).

CK: So, in fact, Professor X is...GUILTY. Professor X did in fact control Wilma Flintstone's mind and made her perform sexual acts on him against her will. He intentionally picked Wilma because he knew her past and occupation would always cause doubt in people's mind should he ever be caught.

CK: The stories told by Magneto were all true, but the story involving Jubilee was not. Jubilee was in fact mind controlled to do all those things, but it wasnt Professor X. It was, in fact, Jean Gray. Jean Gray controlled Jubilee's mind and used Professor X's voice to control Jubilee and make her do humiliating things in order to kill two birds with one stone. Jean was pregnant with Scott's (Cyclop's) baby. Her only home was the Xavier Institute, but being a responsible parent, she wanted her new child no where near the pervy Professor X. As such, she tried to set him up. Additionally, she saw Jubilee trying to seduce Wolverine and stopped watching cause she couldnt stand the sight of what was happening. Despite nothing happening, she didnt see it and just saw Jubilee seducing her old flame (Jean Gray is a controlling wench). So, Jean Gray wanted to show Jubilee, secretly, what would happen when you messed with her.

CK: So, that is the story. Hope this trial was fun for you. Prepare for the next trial....

The Trial of Professor X - Closing Statements

Brak: Space Ghost, you may proceed with your closing statements.
Space Ghost: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to keep something in mind when you go to vote, who has any proof? Jubilee claims to have been mentally sexually harassed by Professor X, but she has tried to steal the boyfriend of her best friend on her own. Wilma Flintstone, the accuser, is a known prostitute and claims she did things against her will. Things she does normally for money. Who has accepted blame for anything throughout this case? My client has! He has admitted to hiring a prosititute. He has admitted to being attracted to younger women, some of which have been his students. But no one, I mean no one, has seen Professor X ever act inappropriately towards anyone. I ask you to remember that he has admitted to so many wrong misdoings through this trial, but denies every sexual abusing anyone. I ask you to not only put the charges on trial here, but also the credibility of the witnesses.
Brak: My. Banner.
Hulk: Ladies and gentlemen, at some point, the word "coincidence" goes out the door. Is it a concidence that Jubiliee was harassed by Professor X? Was it a coincidence that Professor X caused Magneto great harm with his actions towards Juggernaut? Was it a coincidence that Professor X's constant invasion of Magneto's mind caused him to create a helmet to prevent this invasion? And not even mentioned, Juggernaut, his own brother, made a helmet. And now, is it a coincidence that Wilma Flintstone claims Professor X, of all people, sexually abused her? I think not. Ladies and gentlemen, the defense wants you to put the credibility of our witnesses on the line. I ask you to put the defendant's credibility on the line. He has done nothing but admit to urges, none of which are illegal unless acted upon. And now, it is the state's contention that he has acted on them and is cowering behind a flimsy defense. See through this facade and render a guilty verdict. Thanks.
Brak: Ladies and gentle of the jury, it is now your time to deliberate.

CK: It is now time to vote on Professor X's guilt. In the left panel, you will see a location to vote on whether you think Professor X is guilty or not guilty. His fate is in your hand. From today (5/19), you will have approximately one week to vote; the poll will end on May 27th and I will then post the truth of the case. I hope you were entertained.

The Trial of Professor X - Professor X Testimony

Space Ghost: Xavier, please explain to the court what happened on the day in question

Professor X: Well, I had just finished teaching a class at the academy. After teaching a class with so many nubile..young......girls......

Space Ghost: um, Professor, the day in question?

Professor X: oh, sorry. Well, needless to say, I had some sexual frustration after class. So I headed down to meet Wilma. I had heard about her from Nightcrawler, one of her regulars. So I went to her, her prices were reasonable, so I decided to hire her. I live in the suburbs and hadnt really had a reason to go into the prehistoric district, so we decided to go to her place. Fred was at a bowling game with Barney that night she told me. Anyways, I dont deny we did some kinky things that night...a few times. But everything was consensual. I mean, for every thing I wanted to do, she added a charge to it, so of course she would have to okay the idea first.

Space Ghost: So at no point did you force her to do anything?

Professor X: definitely not!

Space Ghost: Did you ever control her mind?

Professor X: yes, but she was well aware of what I was going to do, and I did ONLY what we agreed upon. She was pretending to be a maid, and well... Have you ever seen Scrubs? Well, there was this one episode where J.D. suggested to Turk that he sit on his hand until became numb and then, well, you know. He called it, 'The Stranger'. Well, I wanted the same thing, but why use my hand when Wilma's was right there?

Space Ghost: And she knew about it?

Professor X: Knew about it?! She charged me $500 for it!

Space Ghost: No further questions

*Space Ghost sits down at the defendant's table and Bruce Banner stands up to question Professor X*

Hulk: So, you say Wilma knew about it the whole time, yet you have no proof you ever paid her.

Professor X: Well, this isnt the time of transaction you keep receipts for.

Hulk: Tell me, how much did you end up paying that day?

Professor X: I think in the end, the whole night came to $4000.

Hulk: And you paid in cash that night?

Professor X: yes

Hulk: We would like to state's evidence 76. This is a ATM receipt for the month of the incident. Professor X, on the night of the incident, how much money did you withdraw from your account?

Professor X: $1500

Hulk: So, if you only withdrew $1500, how did you manage to pay $4000?

Professor X: well, I dont know. I had the money to pay her.

Hulk: I'll give you time to make up a better answer.

Space Ghost: objection

Brak: Mr. Banner, do not insult any one while you are in my court room!

Hulk: Sorry, your honor. Lets move now to the incident with Jubilee.

Professor X: *with a smirk on his face* oh yes *cough cough, puts on a serious face* I mean, yes, what do you want to know

Hulk: Were you at the mall the day of that incident?

Professor X: yes

Hulk: Did you take over her mind that day?

Professor X: no

Hulk: then please explain what you saw that day

Professor X: Well, Jubilee was one of the newer students at the academy. That day at the mall, Jubilee had just finished training in the Danger Room, so she was on edge. Just as she passed a red pole, she must have thought it was a sentinel from the danger room cause she just tried to spark it. Well, she was standing too close to the pole and the sparks reflected onto her clothes and basically destroyed them.

Hulk: And the yelling of "I'm a slut"?

Professor X: Well, I imagine she was trying to play it off like nothing had happened, I dont know what she was thinking.

Hulk: So one of your students is nude in a public place, and you dont invade her thoughts to gvie her comfort and help her get through the situation?

Professor X: Like I said, I didnt invade her mind. And even then, I was too distracted by her soft..supple.....milky......

Space Ghost: YOUR HONOR! I would like to confer with my client!

Brak: Sit down, Space Ghost.

Hulk: So, you just happened to be in the same place as Jubilee when she claims to be mind controlled, and when Wilma says she was mind controlled, and when Magneto claims he was mind controlled. Do you think these are all just coincidences?

Professor X: They have to be. I never invaded their minds.

Hulk: Let me, why would Magneto stunt his growth with a metal helmet if you werent invading his thoughts?

Professor X: Well, considering how much Magneto liked playing with metal, my guess is that he tried to absorb some particle of lead as an experiment, got lead poisoning and experienced neurgological problems from it.

Hulk: Or maybe, you invaded his thoughts so much that he decided that dealing with being short was better than having to put up with you!

Professor X: I had nothing to do with his helmet.

Hulk: Sure you didnt. No further questions.